Imagine that one day you are able to push yourself so hard that you actually complete 30 kilometers cross country run. And soon after you are hardly able to walk your 4 years old to the day care two blocks away.

Imagine that you are able to take responsibilities at your job. You are trusted and you are a part of huge projects with people you respect and admire. And the next day you are not able to measure up pasta for 5 people.

Imagine that you are the queen, or king, of optimizing, running through “to do”-lists and delivering something to someone all the time. And suddenly you have a major nervous breakdown because your spouse needs a small favor… on Friday, and he asks you on Monday.

Imagine that today you are the one who likes to keep an eye on everything and everyone and tomorrow you need to protect your eyes from artificial light and you use earplugs just to survive a subway journey.

One day you have control, and the other you stand in the shower and wash your ears with your extra mild pussy soap.

I’ve been through all this these recent months. It was and still is a fight for survival. Fight for acceptance for what had happened. Struggle to go on even if I had no idea who I become and if I would ever recover. Fight against shame and an overwhelming feeling that I have done everything wrong.

Today I am building myself up. From scratch you could say. I dear to call myself Kasia, to begin with. A vulnerable person, a small child deep within.

I learn a whole new range of feelings and reactions to what life has to offer.

I discover and accept that nothing needs to remain as it has always been.

To Be (most probably) Continued…