Sometimes 'home made' is a luxury I cannot afford... or I save myself from :)))

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There are days when the self-love radio channel is only playing self- judgment songs. Mixed with some self-destruction talk.

And how shall I resist a professional with a thirty plus years of experience in this subject?

How?????

I know the routine. (Self-destruction stress followed by self-destruction guilt and shame that things are not getting better fast enough.) I know it will pass eventually but I kick my mental ass for wasting yet another day.

Mostly it is the day which I planned as a RETREAT day when I am exceptionally tired and the need of self-love is HUGE.

It usually starts when my boy is left at the day care. When I leave the building/yard the THINKING PROCESS and the PLANNING kicks in:

I should take a walk but I forgot to brush my teeth so maybe it is better to walk straight back home and also have a cup of tea because it is freezing outside and I could also take a bath, but before I do that I should of course do yoga and bath after but which yoga should I do, should I work on my own or should I use the dvd, but where is the dvd, I have no idea, maybe in my laptop, when I turn it on I should post something on my blog and I am sooo tired and if I write on the blog first and do yoga later it will be lunch time and I will be too hungry and exhausted and what to have for lunch, should I do more detox or just defrost something from the freezer, I will check, I am home already and I hear a washing machine spinning and I panic because I will have no time, power or desire to hang things up when it is ready. There is no time for myself, I collapse. There is no time, I am a failure.

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Nowadays I can recognize this sticky feeling of discomfort quite quickly. It takes a while to stop the thoughts. It takes a long while to get rid of this disgusting disappointment flushing all over me. To stop. And to start again asking myself a question: What do I WANT to do today?

It maybe comes as no surprise that the above happened to me exactly this morning. So here I am, sitting in front of my laptop, with a small candlelight, drinking tea, un-showered, with brushed teeth though! ;) and I am enjoying this moment NOT thinking what I will do next.

Ok, I do plan for a bath   

And maybe all the other things too, but I will do them with reflection and awareness, and only if they will BENEFIT me.

I cannot be my own enemy anymore!!!

Love to All.