I might have mentioned to my physiotherapist that I was a bit pissed off in the morning when my space got invaded.

I was really, seriously boiling inside.

I am a master of self control now (blablabla), so I managed to keep my mouth shut, but I was seriously surprised by the POWER of these feelings.

And what does she answer? 'Irritation är en gränssättande känsla'. (Irytacja to uczucie stawiania granic obronnych.)

Irritation shows when your personal bounderies are being crossed by someone. KA-BOOOM!

More! Our BODY knows it first and sends a wake up call to our feelings. A small tension in our shoulders, rising pulse...irritation and if we let it... ANGER and RAGE.

And for so long I thought that those first, physiological signals were... uncontrolled STRESS which I didn't let myself feel. In stead I should have listened and PROTECTED myself, my bounderies, my INTEGRITY.

I am still shocked by this NEWS. I will watch myself and my little new FRIEND, Lady irritation. My guide and help.

Have you ever met your best friend IIRITATION and let it protect you from bad, bad people out there who try to invade you?

Irritation to All, so to speak   

Am I a bad person when I desperately need to be left alone?
Get some space? Just be with myself after a lovely, busy weekend?
Let the outside get quiet so that I can hear what the inside is screaming... longing for.
Through years I have learned to pay attention to what others need. I made it to my mission to keep others satisfied and taken care of.

Why?
Because I liked the immediate SATISFACTION, the feeling of being needed. The thank you.

In the end I got to think that there is no space for my needs, or that I will take care of them later, when everything else is done.
Also, I believe, I was trying to escape from myself and the growing UNEASE within. Keep myself busy enough not to think...
Cliché?
You may get that impression. First. But I have seen this before. I see it every day.
Today my physical body is ALLERGIC to being neglected. I panic when there is no space for ME. No silence.
With my cognitive problems due to the burnout it takes SECONDS fot the whole damn SYSTEM to SHUT DOWN.
Self-control, breath, digestion, consciousness, ALL GONE.
I am on an AUTO PILOT.

And it is not the quality of life I am aiming for today.
Right now it looks like a constant fight but I am here to WIN it! To win my LIFE back!!!

LIFE to All.

You become what you pay attention to.

So much to explore. But blogging should be forbidden after 10 pm. At least for me   

Night night to All.

Quality time with my Boy while his Dad is learning new things   

I just put together some nice food for later. It took maybe 15 minutes, maybe less to keep it going on the stove.

Very quickly I notifced that I was RUSHING. My pulse went up and I was breathing quickly...

My first thought: Oh no, I stress again! With no reason. Am I such a failure?

And then: I recalled words I heared from my therapist on my first meeting with her, in January.

To be able to get yourself together, channel energy and enthusiasm when you do things is good for you. Can be an asset. Something you can benefit from.

Don't be afraid of it.

Voila!

I turned a worry into a positive thought.

Also, I got myself a present today:

This picture should be for adults only, hihi!

Love and Happy Sunday Evening to All.

How could I ever forget, that BEING with a 5-years-old is seldom a STATIC being ;)

He kicked my ass today this Boy    

And if I would have to answer a question: Where does he get all his energy from, I would have to say: Must be ALL from ME! I am exhausted   

But my day was lovely. Too tired to write but my HUGE pictures will say it all:

Shopping plants and drinking coffee combined. My favourite place to be:

And not only mine. My COMPANY is delighted.

I wanted to buy all of them!

But we brought home some white and blue forget-me-not/niezapominajki/förgätmigej and muscari/szafirki/pärlhyacint, all my Son's choices:

which we planted together.

And this is how we tried to prepare for Easter and Palm Sunday tomorrow:

And this was the last action I managed to force myself into:

No regrets at all :)

Goodnight to All.

All above pictures are private and may not be used/copied without permission.

Mine is going well. As you can see :)
I get inspiration from beautiful places and things.
Now time to get my fingers dirty.

Sun to All.

One thing that I REALLY REALLY learned on my therapy and I strongly believe in, is that the only way to get rid of our fears is to keep CALM, be RELAXED and CHALLENGE THEM. It applies even for those who are afraid of spiders, etc. This way we avoid an immediate panic attack and can easier reason with ourselves.

This week for me was much about fighting with time passing by and me not being able/not having energy/ to make the best use of it.

So here I am, 1 o’clock in the afternoon, accepting myself STILL wearing my bathrobe, OK with the fact that I had breakfast at 11 am and that I DID NOT do the dishes after.

I did not start the washing machine either.

I called my Mom to congratulate her on her 60^th birthday and I WROTE some stuff.

And it is ENOUGH. It is OK. I accept my choices and keep CALM. The World will not end because of that. And if it will, then I am even happier that I skipped the dishes!

*

I challenge my OLD belief that my value lies in the things I accomplish. That I will be WORTH something only when I achieve something.

Of course I want to contribute to this World, I want to ADD meaning into my own and others’ lives. But I sloooowly, sloooowly learn that it is not done by DOING things to people. It is mostly done by BEING WITH other people. (Especially those SMALL ones!)  

So with all my HEART I wish you would ask yourself this question, before the weekend starts: How do I contribute to my DEAREST PEOPLE in the best way? Including YOURSELF

*

I will be asking it to myself anyway   

Have a good and relaxed weekend. Love to All.

(Wolne) tlumaczenie postu 'Take the cork out, friend!' (Weekend tuz przed nami, wiec korkociag moze sie okazac wielofunkcyjny :)

Ludzie mili, nie duscie w sobie uczuc!

Moznaby pomyslec, ze po osiemnastu miesiacach rekonwalescencji i rozmow z bardzo madrymi ludzmi juz powinnam cos wiedziec na temat emocji i radzenia sobie z nimi.

Faktycznie, slyszalam mase madrosci przez ten czas, niektore wielokrotnie. Problem polega na tym, ze one sa absorbowane powoli, pojedynczo, i jak ziarna, kielkuja tylko wtedy, kiedy spadaja na dobry grunt. A wystarczy, ze ‘sieja’ w kiepski dzien, ze koncentracja slaba lub ogolna niechec, i madrosc obumiera, niewykorzystana.

Trzeba czekac na kolejna szanse. I tak wczoraj doznalam kolejnego OLSNIENIA. Ziarno zasiane przez moja terapeutke sie przyjelo! Przypomniala mi ona, ze cala gama emocji, jakie jestesmy w stanie wyprodukowac naturalnie, w naszej psychice, nie jest przypadkowa, ze pelni jakas dobroczynna funkcje!!!

I ze nie nalezy tym emocjiom odbierac prawa istnienia i ich tlamsic, bo one maja funkcje OCZYSZCZAJACA,  stabilizujaca jak ktos woli, dla naszej psychiki. I byc moze nawet probuja nam cos powiedziec o nas samych, o naszej odpornosci na napierajacy na nas swiat zewnetrzmy. Przypominajac nam, gdzie sa nasze granice wytrzymalosci, na przyklad   

Bez wchodzenia w zbedne szczegoly, chcialabym sie przyznac, ze sa emocje, ktore ja do tej pory uwazalam za… niewlasciwe? Niedojrzale? Samolubne? Wiec nie dawalam im sie rozgoscic w mojej psychice, dusilam w sobie, udawalam, ze nie istnieja. Co wiecej, czulam sie potwornie winna, jesli udalo im sie wystawic swe brzydkie geby na swiatlo dzienne.  Wg. fajnego angielskiego idiomu WCISKALAM na sile KOREK jeszcze glebiej do butelki udajac, ze nic w niej nie kipi.

Z tym, ze emocje nie starzeja sie, nie dojrzewaja tak pieknie jak wino. Szybko nabieraja goryczy i zatruwaja nas od srodka. Wywieraja potworna presje, ktorej dla wlasnego dobra trzeba dac ujscie.

Samo ZAOBSERWOWANIE emocji, danie sobie prawa do np. uczucia poirytowania: ‘Ooooo kurza dupka, jestem taaaaka wkurzona jego/jej zachowaniem w stosunku do mnie. Czuje sie niesprawiedliwie potraktowana i mam prawo teraz czuc zdenerwowanie!’ Taki maly gest w stosunku do samego siebie moze nam oszczedzic wiele frustracji, stac sie wentylem, przez ktory ona naturalnie sie ’wywietrzy’.

To pod zadnym pozorem nie jest zacheta do REAKCJI na fali tej frustracji, ani na ’podbijanie sobie bebenka’.

Chodzi o zwykle swiadome przetrwanie sztormu, jaki w nas czasem wariuje. Bez obwiniania siebie.

To jest nasze naturalne i wrodzone prawo (a nawet obowiazek w stosunku do samych siebie!), skutecznie wyplenione przez naszych roznych ‘wychowawcow’. Moje zdanie!

Uklony, Kasia

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p.s 2 Mily Czytelniku, ktory chcialbys czytac wiecej wpisow po polsku, upraszam unizenie, ODEZWIJ SIE do mnie w komentarzu.